TestH2A Logical Mansplanation

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So, here’s the thing. Are you listening, because I’m not sure you’re listening, and my time is valuable—no, precious. My time is precious. See, time for you is just like, nothing. What’s a second or an hour for someone with your chromosomal composition? Two XXs? You’ve got all the time in the world. We XYs have to […]

TestH2Today’s Acronyms

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PZP—Post-Zoom Paranoia HSD—Home Squalor Disorder IFO—Immediate Family Overexposure AO—Alcoholic Obviously MKASJ—My Kid’s a Screen Junkie IMDP—I Miss Dinner Parties SIFMF—Shit! I Forgot My Mask! FFOD—Fucking Freezing Outdoor Dining PIGBBM—Puppy is Great But Barks Too Much ❏

TestH2Letter to a Close Friend’s Therapist

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Dear Close Friend’s Therapist, You and I don’t know each other, but I’ve been meaning to reach out for some time to tell you that you suck. A lot.  I hope you know, it’s not easy for me to say something like that to someone I don’t know. (Actually, it’d be even harder if I […]

TestH2I Am Not A Robot

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There’s been a lot of confusion online lately about whether or not I’m a robot, and I’ve got to admit, I’m starting to wonder. I mean, I can keep on clicking boxes with pictures of street signs, mailboxes and bridges, but is that enough? Maybe someone designed a robot that looks and acts just like […]

TestH2Couple of Hostages

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When my husband and I got married, we had simple goals: Have a nice home; live peacefully among our neighbors; travel to exotic locations; see friends, enjoy delicious meals. Read. What we didn’t—or couldn’t—foresee was that in our second year of marriage, our blissful, usually-compatible relationship would soon be ravaged by hostile intruders, first one, […]

TestH2Divorce Rates Climb as White Women Realize They’re Married to White Men

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Tom Tillsby seemed like a nice guy 11 years ago, according to his wife, Sara. He cooked for the couple, helped around the house, and even coached his son’s soccer team. In fact, he still does all those things, so what’s the catch? He’s white.  “This year has really shifted my thinking on a lot […]

TestH2Hybrid-Marriage Update

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Dear Married People: We at the Department of Marriage wanted to reach out to all of you who opted for the Hybrid-Marriage option during this pandemic to say: Congratulations. These are unprecedented times. As you know, starting in mid-March, our division was inundated with questions and concerns about the vows so many of us took […]

TestH2Hillary’s Emails! Revealed!

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The secretary of state said he would make Hillary Clinton’s emails public, handing the president a weapon to attack his political foes as the attorney general resisted his overtures to prosecute them.–The New York Times, October 9, 2020 TO: ChelseaFROM: MomRE: sorry, annoying real quick—I tried what you told me to do on the computer […]

TestH2Puppiphany

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I’ve been trying to figure out why I don’t regret getting a puppy. After all, it’s been a whole month. The honeymoon should be over. The endorphin rush of having a cuddly stuffed animal running around should have been eclipsed by the reality that she also requires a ton of attention, shits and pees everywhere, […]

TestH2Building On Bond, I 💔 You

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You were there for me, Building on Bondwhen I needed a cup of coffee,a working luncha pick-your-brainor no-fuss dinner I could bring my laptopor my New York Timesand sit for hours I could sit insideor outyou didn’t mindeven your bathrooms were nice. And then you opened Robert(my brother’s name)a swank little bar that made me […]