There’s been a lot of confusion online lately about whether or not I’m a robot, and I’ve got to admit, I’m starting to wonder. I mean, I can keep on clicking boxes with pictures of street signs, mailboxes and bridges, but is that enough? Maybe someone designed a robot that looks and acts just like me, and also has the power to identify small details in digital photographs. So—out of an abundance of caution—I started compiling a list of fairly strong indicators that I Am Not a Robot:
- I second-guess most of my decisions.
- I have frequent anxiety dreams about driving terribly or not being able to remember my highschool locker combination.
- I have to pee approximately every hour.
- I’ve birthed two children through my very human vagina.
- I’m not so good at math.
- My fingerprint usually unlocks my phone.
- I can be super lazy if I’m allowed to be.
- I keep buying the wrong sizes of things from Amazon and having to return them.
- I have a terrible poker face.
- I feel good about myself when I’ve remembered my own tote to schlep groceries.
- I know the word schlep.
- I get paranoid when someone doesn’t text back right away.
- I’ve all but stopped using plastic straws.
- I worry about being boring and having bad breath.
- I have breath.
- I keep meaning to start meditating.
- I’ve been driving for 34 years, and I’ve only gotten two moving violations. They were both on the same day.
- I’m a little anxious I might be a robot. Which I’m pretty sure isn’t true for most robots. ❏
Photo by Rock n Roll Monkey