Woman Drowns in School-Related Emails

An unidentified caucasian mother of four, 46, was found face-down on top of her MacBrook Pro on Thursday. The cause of death was a combination of group-texts and emails related to her children’s school’s re-opening plans for September, which, according to sources have recently changed. 

The family has asked for her identity to be kept confidential, as her children attend an elite private school, and don’t want to be viewed as entitled for grieving their loss.

The school had planned a more aggressive hybrid model of in-person and remote learning in early summer, but as of this week, pressure from teachers and other neighboring private schools made them pivot to entirely remote learning.

When parents heard the news from the head of school, they began firing off group texts to their friends, and mass email chains to their grades. This particular mother had four children at the school, and was well-liked by many; The onslaught proved fatal.

“She really could see all sides of the issue,” said a close female friend, who also wanted to remain anonymous. She went on to explain that her friend had been suffering from insomnia since March, and her weakened constitution couldn’t withstand the validity of myriad perspectives. The swirling debates she found herself in, online and in phone calls, literally consumed her. “I think if she were a hard-liner in either direction, she might have survived.” 

Another source cited a particularly hostile thread in one of the four children’s class-wide emails, where one mother suggested that the faction of parents who were arguing for more in-person learning “were alligning themselves with Trump.” “[the deceased mother] really took that to heart, because she loathed Trump!”

The family is planning a small hybrid outdoor burial, with Zoom option. Even though they are Jewish, the family has opted for a Quaker service, as Quakers worship silently, which will reduce the risk of virus transmission. In the spirit of equity, masks are mandatory, both for in-person mourners and for those who attend by Zoom. Finally, there will be no electronic communication about the funeral, no group texts or mass emails, just word of mouth.    

Photo by Abbie Bernett


2 Responses

  1. Here’s hoping the rest of us manage to survive this latest onslaught! It could be a squeaker.

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