The Crafting Gunman’s Creed

This is my rifle. This is my gun.

This is my gun holster face mask I sewed with fabric leftover from the matching Fourth of July tablecloth, napkin, and chino shorts set I made last summer.

There are a few face masks like it, but this one is mine. It has an interior filter pocket and a bendable nose wire so my glasses don’t fog up. The holster, made with an ebony sheeting muslin, cradles my pistol along the jaw — a placement I chose for style and tactical merit. I used a slip stitch, since it’s so darn tidy. The mask also goes well with my “Fuck Your Gun-Free Zone” Supima cotton crewneck tee.

Sewing is more than a hobby. It is my best friend. I don’t care if that doesn’t sound very tough to you. It’s really satisfying to make your own seersucker curtains, and I enjoy beautifying my home with appliqué pillows. You know who was a real American patriot? Betsy Motherfucking Ross. She could cut a five-pointed star with one snip of her iron scissors. HOOAH!

Without my craft corner, I am useless. Seriously! A week away from my toadstool pincushion and I’m stressed as hell. Sewing calms me, and allows me to express myself with fun fabrics, felts, and fasteners. 

The craft community is super welcoming, too. Not only do I have several creative consultants to call when projects don’t go as planned, I feel like I’ve made a few lifelong friends on my crafting journey. Don’t give up on that cowl neck poncho, Daphne!

I keep my craft corner clean and ready, which allows me to create whenever inspiration strikes. I decided to bite the bullet and purchase a DreamBox, an amazing organizer and work station that folds up into a chocolate knotty alder armoire when I’m not crafting. Now I spend way less time gathering supplies and more time creating. I’ve made a gun holster face mask for all the boys at the range. They’re such a hit that I’m thinking of setting up my first Etsy shop.

My gun holster face mask and myself are the defenders of my country. COVID-19 is no fucking joke! Studies show that viral transmission is reduced by 65 to 85 percent when masks are worn. Lord knows we’re not defending this Great Nation if we’re not defending its most vulnerable citizens. I love how I can celebrate the right to bear arms, preserve public health, and showcase my own handicraft in a single accessory. 

My gun holster face mask and myself are the masters of our enemies: the 2019 novel coronavirus and unifunctional fashion. We are the saviors of my life, our God-given Second Amendment right, and the Goddamned American Dream.

So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen. ❏

Amanda Bloom is a writer with work in Narratively, The Yale Review, The Offing, and elsewhere. 

Photo courtesy of Reddit.com

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2 Responses

  1. Your humor is engaging and funny at the same time. I hope that more humans of your age and current experiences will vote us back to a more peaceful and healthy planet,

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