Thank You for Calling the COVID Customer Care Hotline

Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed.

PRESS 1 if you have been taking your temperature every seven minutes and panicking if your thermometer’s reading is even a tenth of a degree above 98.6.

PRESS 2 if you are experiencing a recurring nightmare in which you are in a crowded indoor setting and no one else besides you is wearing a mask.

PRESS 3 if you are agonizing over whether it is safe to go to a dentist appointment for which you are now a year overdue.

PRESS 4 if you are a parent who begins each day with a list of “fun” arts and crafts activities before simply allowing your child to play Roblox and watch YouTube videos on an iPad for eleven hours straight.

PRESS 5 if your right thumb has become stuck in the scroll position. 

PRESS 6 if you are waiting for the results of a COVID test and wondering if you should start sleeping on your stomach just in case.

PRESS 7 if the bottle of Xanax that your sister gave you is now empty.         

PRESS 8 if you are struggling with anger at a family member for any of the following reasons: (a) planning a family vacation as if none of this is even happening; (b) talking about the dangers of the COVID vaccines; or (c) asking if you’ve considered forming a learning pod for your elementary school aged child.

PRESS 9 if you are still disinfecting your mail.     

Press * to repeat these options, or simply stay on the line to return to the main menu. ❏

Brad Snyder is a grant writer for a LGBTQ-focused nonprofit in New York City. He spends much of his free time on creative writing.

Photo by Reno Laithienne

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