I Pledge that Our COVID Vaccine Will Be Safe, Effective, and Republican.
In these times of heightened tension, there have been false accusations swirling that the process of developing and releasing a COVID-19 vaccine will be tainted by politics. And so, in an attempt to restore the American people’s faith in the nonpartisan nature of the scientific process, I hereby pledge that any vaccine this administration eventually manufactures and releases to the public will be thoroughly vetted to ensure that it is safe, effective, and above all else Republican to the bone.
For the sake of transparency, here is an in-depth look at exactly how we’re making sure that the final COVID-19 vaccine will have zero side effects, work perfectly, and—most importantly—reliably boost GOP candidates up and down the ballot.
In the pre-clinical stage, all scientists working on Operation Warpspeed will be presented with a questionnaire designed to weed out political bias. While I can’t disclose all the questions, I can assure you that one of the questions is, “Who is your favorite Supreme Court justice?” And if the scientist’s answer isn’t “Brett Kavanaugh, you cuck,” that scientist will immediately be pulled from the project. Furthermore, if the scientist says “Ruth Bader Ginsburg, may she rest in power,” that scientist will be sent to Guantanamo. After all, it’s imperative that science be kept a politics-free zone.
If a vaccine clears the pre-screen and makes it to clinical trials, the pharmaceutical company behind it will cautiously inject a small handful of good Americans (white Christians) with the vaccine and monitor them closely. We will be in constant communication with the participants, so if they experience any side effects from the vaccine like dehydration, vomiting, or expressing support for the Black Lives Matter movement, we’ll know to pull the plug right away. As President Trump has said: We cannot allow the cure to be worse than the disease.
Finally, in the event that a vaccine makes it through the rigor of clinical trials without any concerns, we will cautiously move towards manufacture and release. At this stage, too, I assure you that the process will be carefully calibrated to maximize the efficiency of the distribution process and, more importantly, the political windfall to the Republican party.
We will announce the vaccine’s release in late October, regardless of when it is ready—that is, unless a political catastrophe that we need to distract from surfaces earlier, such as a presidential COVID-19 diagnosis or a third Bob Woodward book, in which case we reserve the right to announce the vaccine sight unseen at that very moment without consultation with anyone.
Once the vaccine has been announced (i.e. any day now) we will prioritize delivering it to undecided voters in battleground states, and will ensure that each dose is enclosed in a limited-edition GOP campaign package and sent via DHL (fuck Amazon and U.S. Postal Service). Each vial of vaccine will be personally signed by President Trump and its stopper cap will be in the shape of a teenie little MAGA hat. It will be very cute, and federal funds for the arts will be redirected to accomplish this noble goal.
Let’s be candid: there will always be a degree of uncertainty in this process. But it is my firm hope that this pledge will reassure you that the process is free from political interference, and that we are doing everything in our power to ensure that a COVID-19 vaccine will be trustworthy and also clearly Republican.
But if, for some reason, the eventual vaccine that gets released causes irreparable harm, then keep in mind a few indisputable, nonpartisan facts: vaccines in general are a hoax, this vaccine in particular is a Democrat, and all Democrats want to abolish the suburbs, take your guns, and eat your children. And that’s just science. ❏
Keith Rubin is a writer and actor in NYC whose work you can read in McSweeney’s, Reductress, and Above Average, and whose work you can see on shows like The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and At Home with Amy Sedaris.
Photo by Kendal