President’s Medical Records Released!

President Trump has still declined to release his tax records, which he assures us he will release as soon as the Supreme Court rules that he has won the election. In an uncharacteristically transparent move, under the circumstances of his recent positive COVID-19 test, Mr. Trump’s cowboy doctor has been authorized to release his full medical records, which are summarized here for the first time. These records have been mildly redacted for space and general consumption by the president’s base.

  • As often reported, Donald Trump was excused from participating in the Vietnam war due to a contraindication to “losers and suckers.” And he had a bone spur in whichever heel he remembers on a given day.
  • Donald Trump has had a longstanding and well documented allergy during all rental seasons to certain ethnic groups. He began exhibiting symptoms in the mid ‘70s, which have continued to this day. He is treated regularly for this allergy with repeated doses of the drug Op-Ed, as well as regular infusions of tell-all books from friends and family. These therapies have had little to no effect on his underlying condition. Over the years, this allergy has in fact expanded to include Muslims, immigrants from many “shithole” countries, and the LGBQ+ community. 
  • The president has a previously undisclosed mood disorder which has been directly correlated to the Dow. No other information on this condition was available other than the statement by our lawyers that this is for informational purposes only, and you should not construe any such information or other material here as legal, tax, investment, financial, or other advice. Nothing contained here constitutes a solicitation, recommendation, endorsement, or offer by us or any third party service provider to buy or sell any securities or other financial instruments in this or in any other jurisdiction in which such solicitation or offer would be unlawful under the securities laws of such jurisdiction. So there’s that.
  • As revealed by reading into Mary Trump’s book only a little bit too much, Donald was always fearful of catching anorexia, but is now thankfully on the other side of that phobia.
  • Mr. Trump’s long understood bouts of Congenital Truth Failure are well documented, but the President continues to display recurring symptoms. What has been more alarming about this diagnosis is that in recent years it has become even more dangerously contagious than COVID-19 itself. It has spread throughout the West Wing, the Senate, and House over the preceding four years. Of course this condition has been rampant in Washington through many different administrations, but the mutation that the President has exhibited during his tenure in office is a particularly virulent strain. Experts advise wearing a mask when confronting anyone with this new strain, as it has proven to be deadly. ❏

Ben Lesch is recovering in Connecticut from 29 years of teaching elementary school in New York City, but still occasionally enjoys a good Hostess cupcake. 

Photo by Jonathan Borba

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