I’m a White Male Stand-up…

…and I’m breaking my silence on my opinion of women

Hey there folks, how’s everyone doing tonight!

I know you all were hoping for an entire set of jokes revolving around politics and sharting this evening, but I’d actually like to branch out into a brand new territory that no white male standup comedian has ever touched before. No, I’m not talking about a stable career, pause for laughs, I’m talking about WOMEN!

I know we’ve all shied away from this topic, but because of my position as a white man, and because I have a microphone in my hand, I feel ready to break this barrier and talk about it.

First of all, ladies, let’s get this out of the way: you talk a lot! There, I said it!

Whether you’re a girl who’s approached me at the bar in my single days, or my girlfriend whenever I’ve been in a relationship—you women have the gift of gab. Well, not all of us would call it a “gift,” but you get what I’m saying, pause for laughs.

When an attractive woman is talking to me, my brain is mostly trying to listen in for certain words you say like “my panties,” or “anal,” or “I can’t wait to meet your huge juicy cock”—okay, “average-sized juicy cock,” pause for laughs.

So, yeah, sorry if I zone out while you‘re telling me about your annoying coworker or the latest season of 90 Day Fiancé. 

You ladies chat constantly, so it’s sort of a skill I’ve trained my brain to do. Kind of like how you train a dog to sit for a treat, pause for laughs.

This guy knows what I’m talking about, point to a guy in the audience and make eye contact!

Okay, but women are absolutely gorgeous and obviously the superior species—let me just make that clear before I move onto more negative stereotypes, pause for applause and woots.

As a man, I pretty much have two moods: I’m either annoyed about something, or I’m not annoyed about something.

But women! You women go through so many moods in a single day! First you’re happy because you’re drinking Starbucks. Then you’re crying because someone cut you off in traffic. Then you’re mad because your boss sent you an email that seemed passive aggressive because it didn’t have enough exclamation marks. Then you’re excited because you’re wearing this bra you got from an ad on Instagram. Then you’re upset because when you came home, your man didn’t make the bed like you like it.

They should have called it 50 shades of moods! Pause for uproar of laughter and applause! 

So yeah, speaking of periods, pause so the audience can make that clever connection, can you women stop complaining about them so much? If I got a free pass to wear sweatpants and eat candy for an entire week every month, I’d be thrilled. Plus it gives you the perfect excuse to get out of sex, you don’t even have to pull out your “headache” defense again. 

Unless you’re into having sex on your period, in which case, I probably won’t say no, pause for subtle laughs. Especially if it’s on YOUR mattress, pause for bigger laughs.

The one thing I just can’t understand about women—aside from, you know, literally everything else, pause for chuckles from the men—is your obsession with marriage, pause for rant about how it’s just a piece of paper issued by the government.

How many men have proposed to their girlfriends just to avoid the “where are we” talk? After all, and you guys all know what I’m talking about—you know what sounds more fun than having an argument about commitment? Engagement sex, pause for laughs! Sure it‘s more expensive than sex with a hooker, but at least you don’t have to use a condom, pause for applause!

Well, thanks everyone, that’s been my unique take on women. Don’t forget to subscribe to my podcast, see you guys soon! And hey, maybe next time I’ll finally open up on how I feel about blow jobs! ❏

Rachel Marsh is an award-winning writer and non-award-winning comedian. She also wrote Saxy Time with Kenny G: Board Game Review for WryTimes.

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