Good news: In-person gatherings are making a comeback as half of the population gets vaccinated and the other half didn’t care to begin with. So here’s a reminder of the six IPA drinking buddies we used to, and will eventually, meet at parties again:
The guy that “knows” hops—Brad really loves hops. In fact, Brad will spend the entire evening discussing its numerous virtues. Buckle up for such words of wisdom as: “Double IPAs have an even more fresh taste,” and “The hops really adds great aroma to the flavor.”
The person who has worked at a brewery for 2 weeks—Lucy graduated college six months ago and took the minimum wage Bar-back job at Harpoon Brewery because she loves beer (and not because she couldn’t get an entry level job at a bank, Mom). Stand next to her and you are guaranteed to hear: “There’s so much passion and love that goes into brewing IPAs. You don’t really get that with regular beers!” Unfortunately the employee discount only kicks in after 6 months, so just continue walking.
Your “sophisticated” friend—You may be sipping on a Miller High Life, but real enlightenment comes from expanding your palate. And look at Andrea, she’s in a turtleneck, she’s talking about Kant’s moral philosophy, and she’s the smartest person you know. And you know what smart people drink? Local IPAs! Because the difficulty of drinking every gulp makes it all the better. And she may be looking at your Miller High Life, her laser beam eyes searing and yelling “please let me get one!” but it is okay. The sensation of drinking fermented bark juice is all she needs.
The hippy—You stumble into a room and you see your old buddy Gregg. He’s got an IPA with him. But he’s mostly there to smoke. Little sips here and there, but he ain’t finishing a whole can. In fact, the can will become a make-shift ashtray soon enough. But anyways, he’ll tell you about his friend in Burlington, Vermont who does weed-infused IPAs. And that’s cool and original.
Your lesbian friend—Look if Kerry wants to drink some disgusting tree run-off, you let Kerry drink some disgusting tree run-off. They’ve had to deal with the imaginary gender-binary norm-core culture, toxic masculinity, and homophobia their entire life. If Kerry’s happy drinking that flower death juice then you should be happy to see that too! But don’t let Ker see that macro brew you got or you will be woked out of town.
You!—I know you actually hate IPAs. And guess what? So does everyone else! But hey it’s a party! Grab yourself a Phantom Bride IPA and rock with it! ❏
BJ Jeranyama is a stand-up comedian, writer, and future world dictator. BJ has also been published in Slackjaw and Points in Case.