An Abbreviated List of Other Things Tom Cruise Will Yell at You For

Tom Cruise is not messing around when it comes to COVID-19 guidelines. Cruise reportedly yelled at the crew on the set of Mission: Impossible 7 in Britain, after he saw two crew members standing too close together in front of a computer screen.”​ — Vulture,​ December 15, 2020

  1. Mispronouncing the name “Kamala” 
  2. Not knowing the difference between bi-, pan-, and poly- 
  3. Owning stock in Amazon 
  4. Saying Jill Biden is not a doctor 
  5. Scraping food waste into a trash bag instead of composting 
  6. Canceling your recurring contribution to Fairfight 
  7. Assuming someone’s gender 
  8. Failing to recognize the contributions of Black women in Georgia 
  9. Leaving a car idling for more than 60 seconds 
  10. Opening a window when the heat is running 
  11. Not leaving a note when you go to the store 
  12. Not helping a little old lady cross the street 
  13. Leaving the toilet seat up 
  14. Tracking mud into the house 
  15. Answering a question in class without raising your hand
  16. Slacking off at school just because you’ve already gotten into college 
  17. Calling your friend’s dad “Jeff” instead of “Mr. Patterson” 
  18. Going through a stop sign before a full “Three Mississippi” count 
  19. Tipping less than 20% on a check 
  20. Saying something at all when you didn’t have anything nice to say 
  21. Putting off till tomorrow what could be done today 
  22. Failing to be kind and/or rewind 
  23. Wearing white pants after Labor Day 
  24. Questioning Scientology in any way, shape, or form. ❏ 

Keith Rubin is a writer and actor in NYC whose work you can read in McSweeney’s, Reductress, and Above Average. His work has also appeared on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and At Home with Amy Sedaris.


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