By now, you’ve probably received your Thanksgiving 2020 Zoom basket!
Special thanks to Aunt Linda, who has managed to channel her pandemic-induced anxiety and panic attacks into a lovely craft for all to enjoy!
In the basket, you should have received:
- A wicked awesome Pilgrim (W.A.P.) bib
- A customized Hello Fresh Thanksgiving kit with full directions. (Use code “PANDEMIC GOT ME LAZY” for $5 off your first HelloFresh purchase!)
- A QR code that will bring you to a Spotify playlist that’s just the ambient recordings of
- Uncle Mike’s snoring from his usual 5 PM post-turkey nap.
Despite the economic and soul-crushing pandemic, we are GRATEFUL today! Especially for the technology that allows us to get together in heart while remaining six feet apart <3.
Just so that we have a ZOOM-er good time this Thanksgiving we’ve established some ground rules, so we have lots of laughs, love, and treasured, albeit pixelated memories for years to come.
1. Let’s respect one another! One person can speak at a time! Below, I’ve listed a few topics to avoid repeating another disaster like the “Dry Cereal vs. Cereal with Milk” debate of 2018 that resulted in three broken ribs.
OFF LIMIT TOPICS
- McSteamy vs. McDreamy
- The U.S. Postal Service
- The Louisiana Purchase
- K-Pop Bands
2. Please get dressed. Like, fully dressed. A nice top and a pair of slacks or a skirt that hits your knees. No pajama bottoms, and certainly no nudity. Gammy’s heart can’t take it.
3. Totally-not Toobin. If you need to pleasure yourself, ideally step away from your computer in the privacy of your own home and wank away. Most importantly: DO NOT FORGET TO MUTE!!!
Below, you’ll find the delicious and custom-curated dinner menu this year!
THANKSGIVING DINNER MENU 2020
Assorted Bread Basket
A delightful collection of the surplus sourdough and banana bread varieties that helpless wanna-be bakers made over quarantine.
Dr. Fauci Chicken Fingers
Tenders harvested from chickens fed an entirely-Mediterranean diet, which power walked daily and wore very becoming glasses. Coated in a loving and gentle bread crumb coat, the tenders are deep-fried by Fox News and served with a side of honey mustard.
“The Hand Sanitizer”
Distilled vodka imported from Putin’s own private collection in Russia. 105 percent ABV, this vodka not only disinfects your hands but has enough ethanol to kill all germs and living tissue on the inside of your body as well. Served in a small hand sanitizer bottle, it is recommended to take as a shot. And like Putin, we believe chasers are for p*ssies.
A cup of Hydroxychloroquine, mixed with a splash of Benadryl and a pinch of Cousin Sarah’s crushed Xanax. Thanks for the donation, Cuz!
**Note:Only choose the Quarantini if you want to go into a deep, comatose-like slumber after dinner.
The Ellen DeGeneres Sorbet
Ice-cold lemon sorbet made with juice from lemons squeezed harder than all of the staff at the Ellen DeGeneres Show, and flash-frozen in Ellen DeGeneres’ heart, which studies and Twitter threads have shown rests at subarctic temperatures.
Joe Exotic’s Braised Tiger
Imported from the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park, where all tigers were fed on a diet of expired Walmart meat and roadkill. The tiger is marinated overnight in red wine, then braised to a perfect, melt-in-your-mouth-and-melt-your-soul dish. Both hearty and succulent, this dish is paired with roasted flowers from Carol Baskin’s flower crown.
Pandemic Peanut Butter Pie
Whipped peanut filling chilled on a crushed Oreo crust. Sure to be sweeter than your entire 2020.
A cup of that stupid whipped coffee everyone learned from TikTok.
Remember, Dinner starts promptly at 4:30 PM! Don’t be late!
(Unless, of course, you get COVID. Then you’re on your own, kid.) ❏
Erin Maher is a writer living on the outskirts of the Big Apple and is sunscreen’s No. 1 fan.
Photo by Sam Loyd