The Twitterverse has been rocked by the news that the social media hit The Conways! has abruptly ended. Fortunately for addicted fans, the full transcript of the final family therapy session has been leaked to WryTimes. (Not by Mary Trump, in case you were wondering. But good guess.)
On a beige office. Family therapist L. SMITH TODD (not her real name, but picture actress J. Smith Cameron of Succession, Search Party and so much more) sits in her faux-leather, faux-Eames chair. On the end table near her, next to a box of Kleenex, is a small plug-in tabletop Japanese-style Zen fountain that bubbles and gently circulates water down and around a collection of stacked black rocks. It’s soothing, and after a few minutes you no longer hear the hum of the motor that Zens the water around and around.
Across the room from L. Smith Todd, KELLYANNE sits on a beige couch a proper socially-distanced six feet away from GEORGE. CLAUDIA sits in a chair which she has pushed as far away from everyone else in the room as possible. (There is a black scuff-mark on the wall behind Claudia where the top of her chair made contact during the shoving.) L. Smith Todd, George, and Claudia wear masks; Kellyanne does not. Silence—except for the hum of the Zen motor.
Who would like to speak first?
Kellyanne, George and Claudia all speak at the same time—for 20 minutes.
Okay. Maybe we can try it again and this time try to make the effort to hear what each other is saying. Who would like to start?
Kellyanne, George and Claudia all speak at the same time—for 20 more minutes.
Okay. George, can you tell me what Kellyanne was just expressing?
Fine. Kellyanne, did you hear how George just responded to me?
Can you repeat back what he just said to me? Starting with the words: “George said.”
George said he doesn’t know how I’ve been managing to do it all. Somehow successfully holding this family and the White House together. Always putting myself in the background and thinking of others first. He also mentioned that he can’t imagine where I find the time to also keep my face and figure together and looking so cute when all I do is think of the needs of others.
Okay. George is that what you said?
L. Smith Todd looks over at Kellyanne.
Okay, fine, that’s not exactly what he said. He actually called my figure “smoking hot” but I didn’t want to repeat that in front of the oldest of our 16 children.
We have four kids.
Kellyanne smiles, politely … then looks over at L. Smith Todd.
Alternate facts. And if we only have eight children then why am I so tired?
We have four children.
Kellyanne looks at L. Smith Todd, says nothing, but raises an eyebrow.
Did you want to say something, Kelleyanne?
Oh, because you raised your eyebrow as if you wanted me to know something.
It’s involuntary. I was struck by lightning once when pushing our 11th oldest child on a swing set.
She was never struck by lighting and we have four kids.
Well, at least we agree on something.
L. Smith Todd looks over at Claudia.
Do you have anything to add, Claudia?
Yes. When can I have my phone back?
I think we all came to a conclusion last week that if this family wants to come together and repair whatever damage has been created by the world outside of this family that you all have to step away from those things that are tearing you all apart. Those things that make you lose track of how much you really love each other. Those things that are causing destructive stressors to your family. Those things that distance and distract you from remembering how important you all are to each other. And we identified those things to be Twitter, the White House and The Lincoln Project. We came to the conclusion that all those things must die so that this family can live. Now. Can someone please repeat back to me what I just said. Using the words “L. Smith Todd just said.”
L. Smith Todd just said: We can have our phones back as soon as the session is over.
Kellyanne, George and Claudia look at each other. They are moved. They are all in the exact same place. Therapy worked! Kelllyanne holds out her hand, Claudia scoots her chair in close enough to take it. George nods, a tear in his eye. L. Smith Todd’s eyebrows furrow. The Zen fountain falls off the end table.
FADE OUT. ❏
Photo by Mindy Jacobs