The Twitterverse has been rocked by the news that the social media hit The Conways! has abruptly ended. Fortunately for addicted fans, the full transcript of the final family therapy session has been leaked to WryTimes. (Not by Mary Trump, in case you were wondering. But good guess.)
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FADE IN:
On a beige office. Family therapist L. SMITH TODD (not her real name, but picture actress J. Smith Cameron of Succession, Search Party and so much more) sits in her faux-leather, faux-Eames chair. On the end table near her, next to a box of Kleenex, is a small plug-in tabletop Japanese-style Zen fountain that bubbles and gently circulates water down and around a collection of stacked black rocks. It’s soothing, and after a few minutes you no longer hear the hum of the motor that Zens the water around and around.
Across the room from L. Smith Todd, KELLYANNE sits on a beige couch a proper socially-distanced six feet away from GEORGE. CLAUDIA sits in a chair which she has pushed as far away from everyone else in the room as possible. (There is a black scuff-mark on the wall behind Claudia where the top of her chair made contact during the shoving.) L. Smith Todd, George, and Claudia wear masks; Kellyanne does not. Silence—except for the hum of the Zen motor.
L. Smith Todd
Who would like to speak first?
Kellyanne, George and Claudia all speak at the same time—for 20 minutes.
L. Smith Todd
Okay. Maybe we can try it again and this time try to make the effort to hear what each other is saying. Who would like to start?
Kellyanne, George and Claudia all speak at the same time—for 20 more minutes.
L. Smith Todd
Okay. George, can you tell me what Kellyanne was just expressing?
George
No.
L. Smith Todd
Fine. Kellyanne, did you hear how George just responded to me?
Kellyaanne nods.
L. Smith Todd
Can you repeat back what he just said to me? Starting with the words: “George said.”
Kellyanne
George said he doesn’t know how I’ve been managing to do it all. Somehow successfully holding this family and the White House together. Always putting myself in the background and thinking of others first. He also mentioned that he can’t imagine where I find the time to also keep my face and figure together and looking so cute when all I do is think of the needs of others.
L. Smith Todd
Okay. George is that what you said?
George
No.
L. Smith Todd looks over at Kellyanne.
Kellyanne
Okay, fine, that’s not exactly what he said. He actually called my figure “smoking hot” but I didn’t want to repeat that in front of the oldest of our 16 children.
George
We have four kids.
Kellyanne smiles, politely … then looks over at L. Smith Todd.
Kellyanne
Alternate facts. And if we only have eight children then why am I so tired?
George
We have four children.
Kellyanne looks at L. Smith Todd, says nothing, but raises an eyebrow.
L. Smith Todd
Did you want to say something, Kelleyanne?
Kellyanne
No.
L. Smith Todd
Oh, because you raised your eyebrow as if you wanted me to know something.
Kellyanne
It’s involuntary. I was struck by lightning once when pushing our 11th oldest child on a swing set.
George
She was never struck by lighting and we have four kids.
Kellyanne
Well, at least we agree on something.
L. Smith Todd looks over at Claudia.
L. Smith Todd
Do you have anything to add, Claudia?
Claudia
Yes. When can I have my phone back?
L. Smith Todd
I think we all came to a conclusion last week that if this family wants to come together and repair whatever damage has been created by the world outside of this family that you all have to step away from those things that are tearing you all apart. Those things that make you lose track of how much you really love each other. Those things that are causing destructive stressors to your family. Those things that distance and distract you from remembering how important you all are to each other. And we identified those things to be Twitter, the White House and The Lincoln Project. We came to the conclusion that all those things must die so that this family can live. Now. Can someone please repeat back to me what I just said. Using the words “L. Smith Todd just said.”
Kellyanne /George/ Claudia
L. Smith Todd just said: We can have our phones back as soon as the session is over.
Kellyanne, George and Claudia look at each other. They are moved. They are all in the exact same place. Therapy worked! Kelllyanne holds out her hand, Claudia scoots her chair in close enough to take it. George nods, a tear in his eye. L. Smith Todd’s eyebrows furrow. The Zen fountain falls off the end table.
FADE OUT. ❏
Michael Patrick King is a writer and director. His latest work, A.J. and the Queen, can be seen on Netflix.
Photo by Mindy Jacobs
