Testing 1-2-3

I don’t know what people are complaining about: Testing in the United States is just fabulous. I should know: I’ve been tested three times in the last week.

My first time was in New Jersey, in the back of a van. It was a fancy Mercedes van, so I felt comfortable. 

Comfortable isn’t even the right word, privileged is more like it. See, I’d googled and called around for several days looking for a testing site I could bring my kids to before visiting their grandparents in another state.

FYI: Most places in Jersey require proof of residence (which we didn’t have), symptoms (also didn’t have), referral from a doctor (nope). The pharmacies or urgent care facilities with more lax requirements were a few towns away*, so when I heard from a Facebook friend about a mobile unit that makes house-calls, I was intrigued. 

YELP REVIEW of TEST #1: ✰✰✰✰✰ The two guys administering the tests were personable, the van was clean, and the test istelf was less painful than I’d braced myself for. Even the kids—one who’s 10 and game, the other almost 12 and squeamish—were pleasantly surprised. The instrument was finer than I’d imagined (10 year-old even giggled) but we all agreed that it was up there a few seconds longer than we liked. Still, the whole experience only ate 15 minutes of our day, and they told us we’d get results in 3-5 days. 

We’ll call this DAY 1 (Monday).

DAY 6 (Saturday): We’re pulling into Brooklyn when the emails arrive with our Fancy Mobile Van test results. Since I’m driving, my almost-12 year-old daughter was tasked with opening and reading the emails.

Together we hold our breath, praying that she’ll see the word NEGATIVE next to all of our names. Instead, in all three emails, the result reads: “UNDETECTED.” We’re puzzled. Just as I decide that Undetected means Negative, my daughter realizes that her age is recorded as 51. Were these even the right results? Had this whole thing been a scam? What the actual fuck. 

It’s time for a clarifying phone call. I ask the lady who answers to confirm my definition of Undetected. “It means ‘negative,’ right?”

“No. It means they didn’t get enough of a sample for a clear result,” she says. What?! They were up there forever!

When I move on to the second issue, my daughter’s age, the receptionist starts laughing, which makes me laugh too—until I catch myself: “I’m laughing, but this isn’t funny. Are these even my daughter’s results?!” She assures me they are my daughter’s inconclusive results, and I hang up to console my daughter, who is now weeping over the whole debacle. “They really seemed to know what they were doing!” Her stress-level raises my stress-level, which was already pretty high.

Since we’re supposed to travel two days later (Monday), I quickly book Test #2 that very night, at a nearby PM Pediatrics recommended by a trusted friend. We’re meeting our neighbors for an outdoor social-distance dinner that night, so I decide to let the kids skip this test. My logic? If I’m negative, I’ll assume the kids are as well. (I do not endorse this line of thinking, mind you. But I was tired from all the crying.)

YELP REVIEW OF TEST #2: ✰✰✰✰ Not sure who deserves more credit, PM Pediatrics or the State of New York, but I was delighted to be able to book this appointment on such short notice. PM Pediatrics site is easy to navigate and there is no fuss or muss about proof of residence or doctor’s prescriptions to contend with. I’m the only person in the waiting room for my 8:00 PM appointment, so it feels very COVID-safe. The facility is clean and presentable and the person who administers the test is efficient and quick with the stick. This one hurts more than the first, but it’s over faster, so that’s a bonus. I dash back to my dinner date in time for dessert crumbs. 

DAY 2 TEST #2 (Sunday): I call my mother-in-law (a.k.a. Mil) to catch her up on the situation. We’ve all been so excited to be together after these five terrible months, but we’ve also been vigilant about virus prevention. Delaying our trip is out of the question, so we agree we’ll wear masks indoors ‘til my test results came in. Not perfect, but better than delaying the trip, right? Well….

Later that day, Mil texts with information about a testing site in Tarrytown that’s supposed to deliver quick results. I strike out trying to make an appointment, so another friend tells me about a walk-in testing site in Brooklyn (NYC Health+Hospitals, near the Navy Yard) that’s been known to deliver results in two days. She says with a certain degree of authority that they do “bulk-testing,” which delivers quicker results.

It’s settled: I tell the kids we’re all being tested first thing in the morning before our six-hour drive north. 

YELP REVIEW OF TEST #3: ✰✰✰ The place opens at 8:30 AM and we arrive at 8:45. 25 people are ahead of us in line, so our wait is about an hour. As we approach the front of the line, we see we’ll be tested in a tent. Cool. At the last minute, presumably because of my kids, we’re invited inside the hospital building, where we fill out paperwork, download an app for results, and wait around. While we’re waiting, I ask the receptionist about “bulk testing,” and she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I decide bulk testing is either a rumor OR this receptionist is kept out of the loop on this sort of thing.

We’re finally tested by a very nice Black female doctor. Her test is a hybrid of Test #1 and Test #2: She’s up there longer than #2, but it hurts more than #1. She also knows nothing about bulk testing, but says the results should arrive in about two days. 

By 10 AM, we hit the road!

DAY 4 TEST #2 (Tuesday) I wake up to find an alert on my phone that Test #2 results are in! After a happy-if-weird, masked reunion with the grandparents/in-laws the night before, I’m dying for at least partial good news.

For the life of me, though, I cannot access my test results. It’s contained in an app that I cannot unlock—PM Pediatrics didn’t tell me to download it when I was tested—and no amount of downloading or password-resetting will set it free.

It’s 7:30 AM when I start calling: “The office is now closed.” By 9, when it’s still not open, I decide to bother someone in the accounting office, who tells me that the medical office at the location opens at noon. 

At noon, I finally connect with someone in the medical office who tells me that my test result came back negative. I’m over the moon. Even though this isn’t a full green light to relax in the house (since I’m the only one who was tested there) it’s just nice to have one negative (i.e. positive) diagnosis. In other news, a shred of good news.

LATER THAT DAY, or DAY 2 TEST #3: I get another email that my test results from #3—and my kids’—are in! Even more exciting, I can access the information on the app they made me download when I was there. We are all (drumroll, please!) “Undetected.” Seriously?

After a few more phone calls, I’m told officially and unequivocally that “Undetected” is the clinical term for “Negative.” Woo-hoo! We all unmask and hug our beloved family members.

See? Easy as pie.

(Wait. I just realized my husband also took a fancy van test in New Jersey had to wait 12 days for his test results.

*These Jersey details were from July, so it’s entirely possible that they’ve made it easier or even MORE difficult to get tested by now. ❏


6 Responses

  1. Well…all’s well that end’s well. Have a great time with your family! xxoo

  2. Totally reassuring. Everybody is fine. Just fine. We are confident. They are healthy. We are healthy. Except everybody is basically insane.

  3. Hmm. Easy Peasy. “They” really have this testing thing down pat. Who are “they” anyway??

  4. You clearly have amazing in-laws! I’m curious about your yelp review of them

  5. I went through a very similar panic stricken testing scenario when my about-to-move into college freshman received an email on a Friday evening (when all testing sites are closed, thank you) that his sample from testing 4 days ago could not be resulted because “the vials broke in shipping.” Seriously?
    Saturday we had a super stress-filled 4-hour stretch with both of us on our phones trying to locate a new testing site with turn around times of 48-72 hours. Found a LOT of conflicting information as we looked at website after website and attempted to get appointments. (“Oh sorry, we only test between 2-3pm on the 5th Thursday of the month.”)
    Anything with results taking longer than 72-hours and he would be prohibited from moving into his dorm.
    Finally, after 49 minutes on hold, my boy is registered for a testing site at the farthest reach of Boston from where we live. No matter. We are committed! (And honestly, we briefly considered driving to Rhode Island for rapid testing at a CVS, until we realized Massachusetts just included Rhode Island in the “high risk” states list and has restricted entrance to our fair state. We did not need to get into that mess!!)
    We arrive to a well staffed and organized site. Soon we receive an extra dose of adrenaline and stomach acid when the person checking us in says, “well, we used to provide results in 24-48 hours, but due to increased demand it is taking up to 5 days.”
    Arrrrrrrrgh! Yes. Of course there is increased demand due to all the schools and states requiring negative testing results. Well, we are here so let’s get tested. The stick goes up my son’s nose (far, way far up). This healthcare provider reassures us that we will most likely receive results within 48-72 hours. “We were told to tell people longer due to high demand, but most people are still hearing within 48 hours.” Phew! And indeed, 48 business hours later (Tuesday evening), an email with the coveted “negative” results is received and quickly uploaded to his school’s Covid Testing portal.
    And off we go, car packed, about 36 hours later.
    That was easy.

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