1% Help Wanted

Someone reliable to pick up my housekeeper in Crown Heights, drive her to Brooklyn Heights. Must have 10+ seat van with windows that open for airflow/to permit social distancing. You will: Have her open the house for you, pick up my son’s laptop—not the one in the dining room, the one in the third-floor playroom—drop off housekeeper in Crown Heights, and drive laptop out to Montauk BY TUESDAY at 1pm. Please pick up 2 dozen doughnuts from Dough on way—son may have pool party that afternoon. 

Person with exceptional spatial sense, plus ability to work in waist-high space, to open 37 cases of toilet paper, then stack rolls in attic linen closet in my country house in Hudson. We overbought!! Please bring own box knife. No dog allergies, must pass temp check and complete virus symptom form 24 hrs before arrival.

Hairdresser who can work comfortably wearing full-face motorcycle helmet and rubber gloves. Family of five needs at-home trims — no full haircuts; we just need to look like quarantine has been good to us, not like we actually had haircuts. Please also have dog-grooming experience & be able to remove burrs. Must-haves: raucous sense of humor, transport to central Vermont, motorcycle helmet or similar.

Corona puppy emergency: Canine psychologist or experienced puppy walker (must have multiple references) to house-train my Portuguese water dog DOB 1/29/20. Bonus points for rug shampooing experience. Must be available before 8:30am daily, have positive antibody test, supply own carpet steamer. MS required, Ph.D. preferred. Can offer $15/hr. for the right candidate w/bonus for successful stain removal.

Zoom camp coordinator w/PK-5th teaching experience to manage schedules for three children, 4, 7, and 10. Be familiar with positive behavior management strategies, lacrosse plays, and math. IN-PERSON ROLE; successful candidate will be comfortable working in Tyvek suit with full face shield, respirator. Children will NOT be masked. Hours: 6am-8am, plus 9am-3pm, then 8pm-10pm daily. No overtime; can offer one free package of toilet paper per week of employment. BYO Tyvek suit and respirator. 

Real-estate guru with own transportation to vet September-October rentals within two hours of NYC. Must have excellent design sense, devious ability to bargain with owners on price. Bring own laptop and Zoom account to check internet speed at each home for video conference capabilities (insist on 40 MBPS download, 5 MBPS upload). Other requirements: 3+ bedrooms, 2.5+ baths, pool, sauna, dogs allowed, Pilates reformer in-home.

Sensitivity trainer to assist family of five manage privilege & get what protestors are trying to accomplish. Race has never come up before—great opportunity to help us be allies! Please be experienced with understanding where we are coming from. MUST avoid guilt/shame/reading assignments. Be able to accomplish full training in 75 minutes or less over Zoom only; we are self-isolating. Must have 2k+ Instagram followers and post at least three times about training, tag us. Equal opportunity employer.

Trustworthy courier for weekly pickup in Brooklyn and dropoff in North Fork hamlet. Sort mail, deliveries; water & talk to fiddle-leaf fig; raise or lower window blinds. Grab Russ & Daughters order on the way out to LI. Be available for last-minute requests such as meeting my edibles/CBD guy. Must live alone & comply with all CDC/WHO guidelines, carry full liability insurance, and tell doorman you are my cousin.

Katharine Hill lives in Brooklyn and misses Laojie Hotpot on 53rd Street in Borough Park.


5 Responses

  1. Do you remember me? I worked at Good Shepherd while your dad was there and my daughter Kathryn was your babysitter! I loved this post! My wry laughter for the day! Good to connect!

  2. I laughed so hard reading this, I was actually crying real tears. It’s brilliant. Kudos, Kate!

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