If you’ve ever been hospitalized, you’ve been asked to report your pain using a 10-point scale: Number one representing little to no discomfort, and 10 expresses extreme agony. As a tribute to this exciting new decade, I’d like to propose expanding on this method by using what I call The Jerry Lewis Pain Scale.
- This is nice, with the health-feelings and comfortableness all over.
- My floinvleck is not as good as it could be yesterday, Mr. or Mrs. Doctor Person.
- When palpation is applied to my schmoinglecky it feels TEND-er.
- Dull aches are not so friendly and delightful to my HOYNE.
- This is the bad kind of pain that HURTS ME!
- Sharpness with the BURNING is now being mean and making all kinds of gevalt in all my FLANES!
- The suffering stopped being intermittent when my KLOINEBLECH was still not always bad but now makes with persistence all the time with lots of SMARTING!
- It is not so much in one spot no more cause it radi-AAAAATES to my PLACES!
- PLEASE NICE NURSE LADY OR FELLAH PERSON, HAVE A TELETHON TO GET ME MEDICAL-DRUG PILLS LIKE PERC-OY-CETS AND VAL-MORPH-INE-STEINS WITH ALL THE RESTING AND SLEEPING AND RELAXING AND NOT TERRIBLE HORRIBLE VEY IST MIR FEELINGS THAT I DON’T LIKE SO MUCH!
- (Quietly, after a prolonged scream that occurs while inexplicably miming the use of a typewriter): I don’t want my nerves or brain no more. ❏
Scott Levy teaches in the Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up programs at Chicago’s legendary Second City Training Center.