The Jerry Lewis Pain Scale

If you’ve ever been hospitalized, you’ve been asked to report your pain using a 10-point scale: Number one representing little to no discomfort, and 10 expresses extreme agony. As a tribute to this exciting new decade, I’d like to propose expanding on this method by using what I call The Jerry Lewis Pain Scale. 

  1. This is nice, with the health-feelings and comfortableness all over.
  2. My floinvleck is not as good as it could be yesterday, Mr. or Mrs. Doctor Person.
  3. When palpation is applied to my schmoinglecky it feels TEND-er.
  4. Dull aches are not so friendly and delightful to my HOYNE.
  5. This is the bad kind of pain that HURTS ME!
  6. Sharpness with the BURNING is now being mean and making all kinds of gevalt in all my FLANES!
  7. The suffering stopped being intermittent when my KLOINEBLECH was still not always bad but now makes with persistence all the time with lots of SMARTING!
  8. It is not so much in one spot no more cause it radi-AAAAATES to my PLACES!
  9. PLEASE NICE NURSE LADY OR FELLAH PERSON, HAVE A TELETHON TO GET ME MEDICAL-DRUG PILLS LIKE PERC-OY-CETS AND VAL-MORPH-INE-STEINS WITH ALL THE RESTING AND SLEEPING AND RELAXING AND NOT TERRIBLE HORRIBLE VEY IST MIR FEELINGS THAT I DON’T LIKE SO MUCH!
  10. (Quietly, after a prolonged scream that occurs while inexplicably miming the use of a typewriter): I don’t want my nerves or brain no more. ❏

Scott Levy teaches in the Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up programs at Chicago’s legendary Second City Training Center. 

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