Which Ex You’ve Spent Years Avoiding Should You Sext Back? How to decide which soul-crushing romantic disappointment is most worthy of a casual “and then where would you put it?”
The bars are shut down and the pubes are untrimmed (the crotch kind and the face kind!). There’s never been a worse time to meet someone new, thought all of your exes at the same time. You smile smugly—you knew they’d come back. The day they left you said to yourself, One day, when there is a global pandemic and the worst recession in all of history, they will be stuck alone with their mom in a suburb of Maryland, and they will miss me. Boy, were you right!
So how do you decide which human-shaped disappointment will get texted your B- description of the joys of cunnilingus?
Take this quiz to find out!
If you answer YES, add or subtract points as indicated. First ex to reach 10 points shall receive an immediate “I’m wearing nothing but a dirty sweatshirt… you?”
- Has it been more than 5 years since you broke up and they’re now out of your league? ADD 10 POINTS.
- Might they mess up your/you’re just as you’re getting close? SUBTRACT 4.
- Will they text you something passive aggressive right after they finish? SUBTRACT 6.
- Do you still get an occasional super-sweet email from their mom? ADD 7.
- Do they live nearby and have a car or access to a vacation home? ADD 10.
- Are they in an open relationship with someone you dislike? ADD 8.
- Did they make a horny comment one time about one of your friends and then pretend you misunderstood? SUBTRACT 4.
- Did you divorce them? SUBTRACT 13.
- If you tell your therapist you sexted them, will your therapist laugh appreciatively and/or seem impressed? ADD 6.
- Did you break up because they told you they didn’t want something serious less than three months after you moved into their apartment with the fucking dishwasher, high ceilings, and original fucking moldings? SUBTRACT 9 AND F THAT.
- Did you write a breakup song about them that topped the charts and made you famous? ADD 7 POINTS AND CONGRATULATIONS.
- Have you had a sex dream about them in which they suddenly morphed into your younger brother and tried to cut you up with an axe while whispering, “Mom still loves me more”? EH, PANDEMIC, LET THIS ONE SLIDE.
- Have they started therapy and told you they’re sorry about how things ended, they’ve reflected on the relationship a lot and they know this is a crazy and stressful time but if you’re open to it they’d really like to talk? ZOOM MARRY THEM.
- Did they do the above and you got back together and then they broke up with you again and now you have serious doubts about anyone’s ability to change and also your own judgment? COUGH ON THE MOTHERFUCKER. ❑
Sarah Rosen is a writer, actor, and filmmaker living in Brooklyn. sarahrosen.net
Photo by Jae Park