Love’s Got Everything To Do With It, Ms. Turner

Good morning, class. Take your seats please.

Now, your assignment was to write an essay on the perils of loveless fornication. Granted, this is eighth grade so most of you have no clue what that means and submitted absolute gibberish. Lopez, Ryan, on the other hand—your parents will be hearing from the principal later today.

This is not actually on the curriculum, but I’m in a rough spot so I’m gonna take some liberties. It’s a subject which I could talk a LOT about, guys. It’s still a little raw to be honest; you’d imagine I’d have some closure by now. And strictly speaking, it wasn’t loveless, it was one-sided. I’m not clingy, I just go all in, you know? Anyway, we don’t have to get into my personal stuff today. Let’s stay on topic. 

There’s a hand up in the back. Ms. Turner, yes? I’m sorry, so I’m sure I heard you correctly: Is it that you didn’t understand the assignment? Or you did, and you are questioning what love has to do with it? The latter. You’re of the view that love has nothing at all to do with it. I see. Let me tell you: you’re WRONG. I think Ms. Turner will agree as I assert to the rest of the class that it’s the thrill of boy meeting girl. Opposites attract. It’s physical. It’s only logical… to dream and I dare say DEMAND that love be a part of it. But go on, Ms. Turner, do elaborate. Take my heart and make it strong. I’m needing that right now.

What’s that? Love is just a “second-hand emotion” you say. Oh, REALLY? You wouldn’t say that if you had experienced what I experienced. What I felt was ANYTHING but second-hand. Well, I do feel a little used and discarded, so in that respect… wait a minute; why am I even answering this? Are you now gonna give me and your classmates some earth-shattering tips on navigating the increasingly complex dating scene while maintaining healthy personal boundaries and getting our physical wants satisfied while knowing when to stop calling them, and it’s Tuesday and it’s not even eight and you’re on your third glass? You’re shaking your head. Yeah, I didn’t think you’d have anything to offer. USELESS. But it seems you have another question. What is it?

Anatomy professor Phillips will have a more technical answer to that one Ms. Turner, but as far as I’m concerned: We ALL need a heart, even when a heart can be broken. Right, class? And boy, did I get mine broken. Guys, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Prof, you met each other in a rideshare; what did you expect?” And yes, I probably should have gone for the phone number there and then, instead of spending the next seven weeks taking the same journey every day until we would meet again. But my love grew stronger as those weeks apart went on. I thought it was mutual.

Oh look, everyone: We don’t need another hero but now she’s SINGING her questions. I must admit that the “got to do, got to do with it” refrain is actually quite catchy. Dum de du… silence! That’s enough! And stop that giggling, you two near the window. You’re just a bunch of kids. We studied three of Shakespeare’s sonnets last semester and now you all figure unrequited love is a walk in the park. Far from it. Sure, I got to try positions that I had never tried with anyone else (Sunday morning spooning was PARTICULARLY memorable). But I thought this person was simply the best, better than all the well, maybe not ALL the rest but I certainly wasn’t expecting them to walk away with my heart and my soul like that. Don’t let that happen to you, kids. 

There’s the bell. 

Tomorrow we’ll return to Animal Farm; please read chapters five thru seven tonight. Ms. Turner can you stay back for a moment please? Ms. Tur… you won’t tell anyone what happened here today, right? Ms. Turner? ❏

Humorist, recording artist, and Oxford commaist, Evan is famed for beating the adult contenders in an impersonation contest on national morning radio at 12 years of age and subsequently being late for school.


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