I’m Finally Ready for Fatherhood

As a 32-year-old woman, I know my biological clock is ticking. Loudly. (Or maybe that’s the sound of my mom constantly calling to remind me?) Here’s the thing, though: I just don’t feel ready for motherhood. It’s a lot of pressure, responsibility, and commitment, and the calling has, well, just not hit me.

But…fatherhood? Oh—I’m definitely ready for fatherhood.

I Can Meet the Expectations

My mom always used to lament about how, whenever our dad took us three kids out by himself—to, say, the park or the mall or his rec league softball games where we were to stay at the playground and not leave for the next two hours until his game was over—he’d get compliment after compliment from strangers about being “such a good father.”

This man, after all, had his three young KIDS with him, and was tending to us without any assistance from a grandmother or an au pair or a small team of nurturing female caregivers. He managed to work 40 hours a week and STILL have time for his children; a feat worthy of a monument, or at LEAST a “World’s Best Dad” mug.

But when my mom took us three kids out by herself—on a much more regular basis, she’d (correctly) remind us—the only external attention she ever received was judgment for any sort of misbehavior on our part.

(In my defense, my brothers were always mean to me and one of them had definitely just pulled my hair.)

Motherhood: Am I ready to be the heavily judged de facto caregiver? Nah.

Fatherhood: Am I ready to be the heavily complimented, bonus caregiver? Abso-fruit-ly! (That’s dad language for “yes.”)

That’s why I always remind my mom that the biological clock for fathers is ticking much more slowly, hence that’s the track I’ve decided to pursue.

And, Did Someone Say “Pun Lover”?

I sure “squid!” (I made that one up myself. See? Dad-material.)

Plus, You See, I’m Not Quite Prepared for Pregnancy… 

I know it’s life’s greatest miracle, getting to experience the creation and growth of a brand new human being from the very beginning, all within your own body in the span of almost a year, and all.

But you also have to give up a lot of things. And a lot of those things are my favorite things.

Coffee, for example. According to all the doctors, you’re not supposed to drink two entire pots of coffee in a single day “while pregnant.” Or maybe they said “ever,” I forget what the details were.

Alcohol. Maybe the baby could make an exception for happy hour and the weekends?

Sushi and soft cheeses. Okay, well then what else am I supposed to eat for breakfast?

Cats. That’s fine.

…But I Am Definitely Ready for the Dad Bod

The Dad Bod, a term coined in I don’t know like early 2015, emphasizes the already forgiving body image we have for men. Since dads are settled and married and have locked down both a woman and a family, keep 👏 the 👏 beer 👏 and 👏 Hot 👏 Pockets 👏 coming 👏!

Plus, of course you’re going to gain weight after becoming a father. Not only do you not have time to hit the gym anymore, but your eating habits are totally thrown off and no WAY is there a chance to concoct healthy meals on a daily basis.

After all, being a parent is exhausting!

On the other hand, the Mom Bod has two modes:

  1. Pregnant, and
  2. “You’re not pregnant anymore, so why aren’t you skinny?”

That seems like too much work to me—especially since I’ve been working on my fatherish figure since 2012 after discovering craft beer, aka the ultimate Dad Bod creator. 

And Not to Mention, I Love a Good Deal Just as Much as the Next Dad

Helloooo Valpak! ❏

Rachel Marsh is an award-winning writer and non-award-winning comedian.

Photo by Jude Beck

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