So you’re coming to the Nolan Family barbecue! We can’t wait to see you. Here’s how to get there.
Start northbound on Homestead Avenue and turn right onto Gambrel Road. In six blocks, take the on-ramp for Wormhole 93 toward Mirror World. Once you’re in Mirror World, Fibonacci spiral counter-clockwise. After 590 degrees, you’ll see lying in the middle of the road a 27-sided die with all sides equal. Pick it up. Do not, under any circumstances, roll the die. Do one more half-turn, and you’ll see Anders Road in front of you. Drive away from it (Mirror World).
At this point, think deep, deep in your memory. Were you ever on a road like this one? I think maybe you were. I think deep down, you know where to go for the next six-ninths of a mile. You see that left you feel vaguely compelled to make? Go one road past it and make three consecutive rights.
This is as good as time as ever to say that I love giving directions. There’s a point A, a point B, and a linear relationship between the two. If only time were so simple. No, time is no line, but more of a corncob. All things that ever will happen have already happened, and are happening now, and concur with all happenings. I love that about time, but it does make conjugating verbs a bit tougher.
Anyway, just behind where you were two minutes from now, there always will be a little offshoot. Are you going to have seen that? Damian Boulevard, that’s the one.
Just ahead, you’ll come to a fork in the road. As dictated by the laws of quantum physics, your decision here will branch out two parallel universes. Here you can actually choose whichever road and universe you prefer. Both routes will lead you to interchangeable Nolan Family barbecues, provided it’s all the same to you whether I am or am not wearing a thong.
You’re lost, aren’t you. Don’t worry, that doesn’t make you a stupid idiot, even though everyone at the barbecue has been pretty vocal about having had no trouble following along. Here’s what you should do. First, retrace your steps. If at any point you see a slightly translucent version of your own car whiz by, follow it. If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to start over. Go home, read some Reddit threads, and give it another go, only this time, when you reach the point where you got lost, audibly go “ooohhhh” and just keep on driving. And hurry — we won’t be picnicking all day. Kidding! We’ll picnic forever.
Keep going straight for about 6,000 light-nanoseconds (2km for the Brits). Then turn onto Schrodinger Road, which will and will not be on your right. You’re almost there. It’s tough to say exactly how long is left, but for a vague ETA, ask yourself this. If you were here now, how long ago would you have been where you are now? 15 minutes? Sounds about right.
Driving on Schrodinger, you’ll come upon 27 roads fanned out evenly before you. How you decide which road to take is totally up to you. The right choice will lead you to the barbecue.
It’s that easy! Thank you so much for coming. It was great to see you, and I’m so sorry I burnt the pork chops. I don’t know how I went wrong; the recipe specifically said to cook them for a number of minutes equal to the quantity of pork chops divided by zero. Better luck last year, I guess!
Dear Guest, ❏
Kevin Lawson is a comedy writer whose journey to Los Angeles had stops in the New York marketing scene and speechwriting firm West Wing Writers.