Centers for Disease Confusion (CDC) Omicron FAQS

You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers. Fauci is off for an extended holiday (don’t worry, he’s hermetically sealed in a bubble with a podcast subscription and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot), so his intern Barry is going to answer your most pressing concerns.

How do I know if I have the flu, a cold or Omicron?

Well, the flu usually manifests as a sore throat, a cough, a fever and sometimes body aches or chills. A bad cold could do the same. Omicron is nearly identical.

So, how do I know if I have the flu, a cold or Omicron?

If you lose taste or smell, it’s fair to assume you have The Plague but most people aren’t losing their sense of taste or smell with Omicron.

Then how do I know if I have the flu, a cold or Omicron?

The at-home tests do a roughly mediocre job of telling you whether you have Covid. And those are hard to come by. You might have to sell your right leg to the large hairy man outside the corner bodega to get your hands on one. The PCR tests do a better job, but the next available appointment is April 28, 2024.

So, how do I know if I have the flu, a cold or Omicron?

If you are living in an area with high Covid infection rates, there’s a higher likelihood that you could have Covid.

Isn’t like everywhere a red zone right now?

No, more like dark red. Mahogany red. Sangria red. Merlot red. Or maybe those are the types of drinks you should be having as you listen to the band play the tiny violin while the ship goes down.

Are you referring to the Titanic?

I never understood why she let Jack drown when she could have just shimmied over on that driftwood.

That wasn’t even real. That was a movie. A really long movie. In like, the 90s.

There was plenty of space for them both.

I don’t understand what the Titanic has to do with Omicron?

It’s an apt reminder that you should not be booking that Caribbean cruise right now. They’re basically giant floating Covids.

Focus! Omicron!

Ah, yes.

How do I know if I have Omicron?

Oh, everyone has it right now. ❏

Allison is a writer and native New Yorker who favors humor over sadness, travel over television, and coffee over sleep. 

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