Alternative COVID Cure (contains adult language)

Have scientists tried curing COVID-19 with some motherfucking James Gang?

Dear Scientists, 

It’s no secret that the stankin’ ass grooves of Joe Walsh’s legendary boogie rock outfit, James Gang, have known health benefits.

Sufferers of ailments as wide-ranging as gout, emphysema, influenza, walker’s foot, jogger’s elbow, toothache, hair loss, DUI charges, dangerously low bank-account balance, ingrown thumbnails, thumbgrown innails, and sunburn have all found relief through playing the greasy licks from the Rides Again album at an unhealthy volume.

As scientists, you are no doubt acutely familiar with the well-documented health benefits of playing the stone-cold jams of James Gang, so I won’t waste anyone’s time getting into them further here.

In fact, the only group Walsh and company’s tasty grooves have thus far been unable to help have been incels and fuckbois. But again, you already knew that.

So, to you, scientific community, I ask this simple question: Have you tried playing “Walk Away” or “Funk #49” for COVID-19 particulates yet?

And I’m not talking about playing it on the lab stereo while you use those little automated droplet beaker thingies that we see you use in all the promotional university commercials during March Madness. You know, the ones with all the robotic arms and ballet dancing. I’m not talking about relegating James Gang to background music, something to occupy your ears while your mind works. 

I’m talking about setting up a full-stack of ratty speakers (preferably the set that your dad’s had since before he got kicked out of St. John’s) directly in front of COVID-19, throbbing with the intro of “The Bomber.”

I’m talking about coaxing this virus into reason with the Dave Clark-inspired “Yadig?” Ya dig?

I’m talking about maybe even reaching out to the Gang themselves to see if they might, in the name of science, consider reuniting in one of your labs. I’m sure they’ll do their best to not spill any Jägermeister on the microscopes or use the lab’s centrifuge to mix drinks.

They might need the Bunsen burner, though. So maybe just have a few extra on hand.

Or maybe they’d be more comfortable in a rock and roll dive, at which point, I’m sure you can set up a mobile lab. Maybe someplace in Cleveland so the band feels at home.

Whatever the method of conveyance, Dear Scientists, I must ask: Have you tried combatting this virus with some motherfucking James Gang?

Because if you haven’t, oh arbiters of reason, then you simply haven’t exhausted all the options.

Thank you.

Signed,

A Concerned Citizen ❏

Michael Venutolo-Mantovani is a writer and expatriated New Yorker living in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. He’d vote for Joe Walsh if he’d run for office already.