50-something Brooklynite Retires from Amateur Skiing

FRISCO, CO.—An unidentified mother of two announced her retirement earlier this morning, in the kitchen of her cousin’s ski house, where the two families were vacationing. At the time of the announcement, she was dressed for a day on the slopes—long johns, ski socks, and snow pants—because she had every intention of skiing that day. 

Then, she says, it hit her: “I don’t really like skiing.” 

Her first instinct was to muffle the thought, and try to find company on the green-level slopes she’d planned to ski. She knew her children, aged 13 and 11, had outgrown greens (and most blues, for that matter), so she turned to her husband: “You’ll ski some greens with me, right?” The long pause that followed served as his answer. 

Chagrinned, she turned to her cousin’s wife, Renata [last name withheld], also in her 50s (but still in her pajamas) and asked if she’d be her ski partner that day. Renata replied: “Sorry. I’ve stopped downhill skiing.” 

“I didn’t know it was possible,” said the Brooklyn woman, “to just stop skiing.” But right then and there, she started peeling off her black snow pants, and preparing for a nice long day of…nothing. Delicious, warm, relaxing, indoor nothing. “It was the clearest thought I’d had in years: I’m not skiing today, or ever again.” 

“At first, my family had the nerve to seem disappointed. ‘What? You’re not coming at all? You can’t stop skiing!’ but I fired back, ‘YES I CAN. I hate being cold, I’m a sucky skier—why should I do it alone?’ No one had an answer.”

The medium-stature brunette wants to make it clear that her retirement doesn’t extend to ski-trips, only from the slopes themselves. “I have nothing against fireplaces, hot tubs, and a view of snow-capped mountains,” she told this reporter over Zoom. She might be on to something. ❏