- James “Man-Ho” Monroe. Monroe, an insatiable and indiscriminate fornicator, was the first, but unfortunately not the last, William and Mary student to contract syphilis, crab louse, gonorrhea, and donovanosis of the penis in a single week. To this day, condoms, by way of warning, are known on campus as “Monroes.”
- Warren G. Hard-On. Harding was voted “horniest senior” three times at Ohio Central College. When he finally managed to graduate, he was reportedly “unable even to stand up and receive his diploma.”
- James Barfield. According to his Delta Upsilon brothers at Williams College, Garfield, a prolific drinker, could vomit at will, blowing chunks “as quickly and easily as you or I might snap our fingers.” His gastric hijinks went too far, however, when he “delivered a terrific stream of projectile spew” into the punch bowl at the Dean’s annual Easter banquet.
- Laberaham Lincoln. Although Lincoln claimed to be self-educated, recent investigations have found that he was expelled from multiple universities for climbing into bed with his fraternity brothers and “trying some weird stuff.”
- Zachary Whaler. Young Taylor was famous for pursuing coeds of unusually ample proportions. He nearly suffocated during an impromptu three-way with two members of a sorority baking club.
- George Doesn’t-Wash-a-ton. As a surveying student at William and Mary, Washington spent much of his time in the woods, where toilet facilities were unavailable. “I don’t even think he bothered to wipe,” said Caleb “Foamy” Prescott. “We had to throw his ass in the lake before a party, or none of the girls would come in. Total crust-butt!”
- James Douchecanan. Buchanan took douchebaggery to new heights during his four years at Dickinson College, where he rolled up to parties in a coach with gold rims and told the girls his trust fund was “considerably more substantial” than their boyfriends’.
- Millard Fillmore Ass. Interestingly, Fillmore went on to become the first, and only, U.S. President to advocate anal sex as a viable form of birth control.
- James K. Polk That Vag. Unlike his political rival, Millard Fillmore, Polk preferred traditional intercourse, often referring to Fillmore and his supporters as “a bunch of Whigged-out sodomites.”
- Pervert Hoover. At Stanford, Herbert became infatuated with a 63-year-old web-fingered cafeteria worker known as Mary Slops. A janitor caught the grotesque couple in the pantry lubing each other with mashed potatoes.
- Sticky Dicky Nixon. While attending Duke, Nixon found himself in an awkward situation involving a glue-rimmed gloryhole and the Durham Fire Department.
- Harry Ass Truman. When Truman tried out for the diving team at Kansas City Law School it was discovered that he had “more butt hair than a Vervet Monkey.” The coach politely requested that he get a bigger bathing suit or leave the pool.
- Theodore Brosevelt. Roosevelt was known for violent outbursts at DKE mixers. When a member of a rival fraternity told him to “shotgun that beer, you sippy bitch,” Teddy responded by blasting an entire case of Bud with his double-barrel Browning. Favorite pick-up line: “Wanna see my big stick?”
- Andrew Jacks-often. Jackson had an extensive collection of French etchings and put them to constant use. “He was always in the bathroom,” said a roommate. “At first we thought he had dysentery, but then we found his jar of beaver fat.”
- Grover Queefland. Cleveland, though never admitted to an accredited university, spent many evenings at the Alpha Phi house in Syracuse. It was here that he established his reputation for passing gas in an amusingly feminine fashion.
- Chesty A. Arthur. “Chester’s man-bosom was the plumpest at Union College,” said Gerhard “Gropey” Van Dusen. “We used to fit him out in corsets so we could practice our removal techniques.”
- William Howard Shaft. Taft liked to challenge his Skull and Bones brethren to “sword fights.” Blessed with prodigious length, he’d exclaim “Rise up, Sexcalibur!” as he disrobed for battle.
- Dwight D. Goldenshower. Never one to pass up a good pee party, Eisenhower was crossing streams with his fellow West Point cadets long before Donald Trump popularized the Presidential pastime.
- George W. Bushfiend. At Yale, George would only date girls whose nether regions remained in a natural state. As President, his relations with the country of Brazil were noticeably cool.
- Rutherford B. Hayseed. “Dude was a flat out hick,” said one of Hayes’ housemates at Kenyon College. “Ate squirrel and never wore shoes. Had to disinfect the Hacky Sack every time he used it.” ❏
Dan’s humor writing has appeared in McSweeney’s Quarterly, Feathertale Review, Vulture and elsewhere.
