9 Year-Old Boy Feels Reaction is Justified

Lake Forest, IL—After spending approximately eight solid minutes trying
to get him to stop crying, reporters were finally able to ascertain from
nine-year-old Justin Harrod why he spontaneously screamed at the top of his lungs and threw himself on the floor while flailing uncontrollably. “Eric
walked into me…in slow motion. But, in a scary way,” claimed Justin.

Eric Harrod is Justin’s 13 year-old brother. When asked why he thinks Eric
menacingly sauntered at a snail’s pace into him, Justin said, “I don’t know.
I didn’t do anything to him. He’s a jerk.”

Eric shared his version of events and offered this account. “It all started
when he sat next to me on the couch and started making a
bunch of random animal noises, and some other sounds I can’t even
describe. It was completely obnoxious, and I asked him to stop it. Instead,
he looked right at me and went, ‘Derrrrrrp!’” That, said Eric, is when he
felt a sudden urge to stand up in a slothful yet threatening manner and
ever-so-gently walk into Justin’s legs.”

The brothers have reconciled for the time being, thanks to Mr. and Mrs.
Harrod’s love, perseverance, and exceptional parenting skills. Eric was told
to apologize for walking into Justin with all the force of a fine mist, and
Justin was told to say he was sorry for making ungodly sounds in Eric’s
ears. While a truce has been reached for the time being, both
parents suspect it will be short-lived. “Yeah, they’ll probably get into at
least another three or four fights before bedtime”, said Mr. Harrod. “That’s
a whole two hours away.”

Toward the end of the press conference, one of the reporters asked Justin if
he thought perhaps he over-reacted to Eric’s feather-like assault. “No—I
was scared!” Legos and random art projects are still freshly strewn about
the living room floor, reminders of little Justin’s recent trauma and
self-induced spastic fit. “I didn’t do anything to him. Jerk.” ❏

Chris Carrera writes songs, poetry, snarkiness and lives in the Midwest with his wife and children.